Sunday, February 02, 2014

Need a place to hide out of anger, out of love

Bad craziness.  Told LD that "it was all lies."  She replied, offended, that she had never lied to me.  I said that she had implied that we had a chance, even while she knew all along she was going back to be a couple in Europa.  Lies of omission and implication.

But forget all the emo bullshit.  All you really need to know is that of all my pals, no one --- not Friar who knows I'm going through hell, not 74 and Zaftig who are holding a Super Bowl party --- called or texted to see how I was doing.

Mood: abandoned/suicidal

Saturday, February 01, 2014

How many times can it escalate till it elevates to a place I can't breathe?

Hysterical.  Called brother and unloaded on him.  Called Friar.  Even asked if I could go to his house just so I wouldn't be along.  I've never had a problem with being alone before.  He was out doing errands with kids.  I sucked it up and pulled it together and went to the library to get a backlog of grading done.  Stayed at the library until closing.

While I was there, a high school girl came up and asked me to help with a math problem from a test she was doing online.  It had to do with finding the original amount if you know what the percentage is.  I showed her how to set up the equation and then divide by both sides.  Later on she came up again and asked me about a problem involving two cars of different speeds and how often they pass each other on a track. I didn't really have any idea to solve that one.  I'm a teacher and I have a master's degree.  Ha ha!  I'm such a fraud.


Texting with LD didn't go very well.  I compared her to a happy prisoner, brainwashed into thinking she needed to comfort her captor.  She agreed with the assessment but said she wasn't very happy about it.  I said she didn't owe him anything other than a relationship with his children, but that she was deluded into believing she owes him a wife.  She didn't argue that either.  Then I asked her to stop texting for a bit because it was devolving into accusation and resentment and was killing me.  I sent her a short email, though, saying that I'd be there if she really needed me.

Worked out.  Took a sedative.  Started drinking.  Got a call from T-Bone and Courtney to go eat dinner, but I was at the library when they asked, and anyway I had plans with the Friar already set.  Went out to dinner with the Friar, then drinking at Sports Bar and then the Hangout, where we played a little video trivia and such.

Friar took me home, but I don't have clear memories of it.

Mood: hysterical/suicidal