- Death by ninja attack is the number two killer in America, more common than random stabbings and church-related pranks-gone-wrong combined. However, experts believe that many ninja deaths go unreported as such because many of them look just like accidents.
- Many people erroneously believe that pirates are ninjas' arch-enemy. This is untrue. Their actual most hated nemesis? Clowns.
- Ninjas are so attuned with their qi that they can levitate, turn invisible for brief periods, and pass through walls. They are capable of subsisting at full physical capacity on one handful of rice and two teaspoons of water per month.
- While they do not require additional food, however, they enjoy eating the brains of their enemies. Seriously, those things are like ice cream to ninjas.
- Out of reverence for ancient tradition, ninjas will never, ever attack someone on the toilet. They know you'll have to come out of there some time, anyway.
- 97% of true ninjas are Japanese. Two percent are Chinese, 0.5 percent Vietnamese, and 0.5 percent are African American for some reason.
- When a ninja mates with a human, the offspring is typically a sturdy specimen, but never has any of the shadow-based superhuman abilities of the ninja. Therefore ninjas primarily mate with their own kind.
- If you ever stumble upon two ninjas mating, take a picture quick, because that shit is gold.
- Some mountebanks and quacks sell what they refer to as ninja repellent spray. Do not waste your money. There is no such thing. Ninjas do dislike the taste and odor of high fructose corn syrup-based carbonated beverages, but spraying a ninja with Pepsi isn't going to do anything except make him madder.
- Right before the moment of death, a ninja's victim always hears the ninja whisper in his ear, "You just been ninja'd, muthafuckaaaaaah!" in a sing-song falsetto.
- Sure, it sounds unlikely, but how can you prove it isn't true?
Thursday, August 25, 2011
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