- Death by chimp attack is the number one killer in America, more common than car accidents and cancer combined. However, chimp attacks often go unreported, often because of the family's shame. Also, in many cases the bodies are never found.
- Sociologists estimate that up to 38% of the people you pass during the average working day, including commute, are actually chimps in disguise.
- Although chimps are technically classified as mammals, they have many reptilian characteristics, such as infra-red vision, autotomising regenerative limbs, some gliding ability, and skin pigment change.
- All chimps are able to pick most pin tumbler locks, combination locks, and cylinder locks. The more advanced individuals can disable an electronic alarm system in thirty seconds.
- Human kidneys are the chimp's favorite food.
- Law-enforcement experts recommend at least a .357 loaded with 125 grain hollow-point ammo as the minimum required to stop a rampaging chimp. However, they also agree that it's pretty much impossible to unload the required 15 dead-center shots before a chimp can cover 100 yards, disarm you, and eat your kidneys.
- Consequently, over 75% of stolen .357 Magnums are used in crimes committed by chimpanzees.
- Studies have shown that the only semi-reliable chimp preventative is the music of Avril Lavigne, with "Sk8ter Boi" the most effective, repelling angry chimps 93% of the time. ("Curiously, "Girlfriend" increases the likelihood of an attack by 673%.)
- The occupation most frequently attacked by chimp is dentist.
- Chimps have senses of smell, hearing, sight, and taste far superior to humans'. However, they are severely deficient in the sense of propriety.
- Wearing a chimp mask during your daily routine will dramatically reduce your chances of chimp attack, but law-enforcement experts warn this may cause anti-chimp vigilantes to shoot first and ask questions later.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
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