Sunday, September 03, 2006

He's the king of that goddam town

Well I've been saving for a custom van
And I've been playing for a cover band
And my baby doesn't understand
Why I never turned from boy to man
--- Fountains Of Wayne, "Utopia Parkway"

I had a long phone conversation with Cousin this morning. Apparently, he broke up with Smokin' Hot Girlfriend. I asked why. "Well, it was either that or get married," he said.

"Were those in reality the only two options available?" I asked.

"It seemed like they were," he said.

He lives in Los Angeles and works at a bank. In the course of our conversation, it became clear that he has never heard of Wikipedia, MySpace, "The Colbert Report," or CafePress. There is either something very wrong with him (a protopathic buffoon blind to the ever-changing world around him) or something very right (he focuses his attention, honed like a laser, on practical reports instead of being distracted by the vagaries of this modern, virtual world).

He's six feet tall. He works out far more than I do, weighing over 200 pounds with probably about five percent body fat. So naturally, I want him to go to CafePress and order a muscle shirt with a picture of himself flexing and the line: "My God, I'm Huge!" And then I want him to take a picture of himself wearing that shirt and flexing, and order another shirt on CafePress with that picture on it. I think that would be hilarious.

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