Stuff your message of love up the end of their guns

At work, the Maddening Angel got very angry at me. I was being petty and resentful and I said something for which I'm ashamed enough that I won't record it here. Basically, she was complaining about being sleepy a lot lately and I posited a reason why that might have been. She told me she was sick of my pattern of passive-aggressive judgemental comments, and that I wasn't a friend if she couldn't share certain things without me judging her.

She's right, she's right. I know that intellectually. But how I am and what I feel in my heart is hard to control. I am resentful and bitter and angry. Against all logic and reason, I feel insulted that she isn't attracted to me. People can't help who they're attracted to. I have no reason to take it personally, much less act like a passive-agressive little weasel, but I do.

****

I met T, my science partner, at State School. We walked to "the Pub" and she ordered food. Oh snap! Suddenly we realized that we had to turn in typed page or two about the news item along with our presentation! (Why hadn't either of us thought to look at the assignment rubric in advance?) We hastened to the library and, to use T's verb, "bullshitted" a quick page and a quarter.

The presentation went fine, and our only point deduction was in fact for the paper, which, since T wrote about half of it, contained a typo or two and a few awkward bits of grammar. Oh, T's quite bright and she writes fine, but... my writing is better, that's all.

In class, we spent a lot of time walking around the perimeter of the classroom holding styrofoam balls up to a lamp in the middle of the room. Yes, we were simulating the phases of the moon. Many, many people did not get it. Then Ms. C drew a concept map for the phases of the moon. Many people did not get that either.

****

As I get to know T, it seems she's in some ways like MA --- a lot of guy friends, free and easy with the hugs, just generally relating to people in a friendly, close way. (A fellow classmate asked where we met, and said she asked because we seemed "so close." We barely know each other!)

Note to self: do not fool yourself into thinking you have a special bond with T or that T and you are even very close friends. You are not. You are one of T's many, many acquaintances. That is all.

[I need to stop getting intrigued by these women with relaxed attitudes to affection, lots of guy friends, and tattoos on their lower back. I mean, not to indulge in gross stereotypes or anything, but they seem to be the kind that like my intellect, humor and personality, but are diametrically opposed to my social and relational values.]

Ram wants to be just my friend. MA likes me as a friend and nothing else. The other day T said "I like you a lot, Chance, and I'm not just saying that because I have two drinks in me" --- but she meant she likes me as a friend. Hell, even the goddam Ex wants to be my friend now. I'm not saying that I resent all this platonic attention from cute girls, but I do kinda wish I was physically attractive. Being a friendly, funny guy only does so much for your self esteem.

That razor sadness that only gets worse

Yesterday, Maddening Angel did not return my call, and when I texted her to see if she was ignoring me, she responded very grumpily. Our days of being close as siblings are over. At work, we get along fine, but we never call each other any more. And when she goes out, it's with other people, most irritatingly Ex-Boyfriend B, the guy ten years her senior who does coke recreationally. I'm sad about this. There is nothing special or remarkable or interesting about this guy. Why does he get to have gone out with her? Why would she sleep with him on the second date? Why are they still friends? Obviously, I'm jealous and resentful and bitter, even if at this point MA is rather distasteful to me due to her lack of social standards.

****

Class today was Reading I. We talked more about balanced instruction, and the need for kids to be read to, to be read with, and to read by themselves every day. We discussed the importance of phonemic awareness, phonics, fluency, comprehension and vocabulary. I gleaned a couple of useful classroom tips. One, ask the kids to come up with likely words on the book's theme before reading it aloud. Make a list. Then, as you read the book, the kids can react (with a thumbs up, for example) if the words they chose come up, creating a more active participation in the literacy. The other tip is that if a child finds five words on a single page that he can't read easily, he probably needs to read a book one level lower.

Here's an interesting statistic: reading skill levels stay the same from kindergarten to 4th grade in about 85% of cases. If you read poorly or well in kindergarten, chances are very good you will read that way for at least your entire elementary education.

****

I drove the the Hangout on my way home and gave the three posters I did to the Friar. The lead singer of the band I did them for was there and he said he liked them. Plus, it seems I'm to be paid pretty well, and there's even talk (though I remain hugely skeptical) of art shows and sales of the original. The Friar is really trying to help me out in many ways; I'm very grateful to him.

I would be extremely happy with my life right now if only there wasn't this gaping social hole in it.

Vocabulaire: tirer la chasse

tirer la chasse (d'eau) - to flush the toilet

Si vous ne tirez pas la chasse d'eau chaque fois, vous empesterez la salle de bain !

Always Remember

I added comics blogger Dorian to my sidebar. His was the very first comics blog I discovered and remains a favorite. Above is my contribution to his Meme Despite Itself, which has become The Meme That Would Not Die.

Today, I went to my favorite comic shop and bought a few things. Now, two of my New Year's resolutions were to cut back on buying CDs and graphic novels. It's not like I was going into debt mainlining comics or anything, but I always think stepping back and counseling moderation to oneself is a good idea. As January ends, I can say that I have bought zero CDs, and spent (until today) only fifteen bucks on three quality graphic novels. Today, I bought a few gifts for the daughter of Joy, my former co-worker, whose birthday party I went to later. For myself, I got two massive hardback volumes of the Complete Strangers In Paradise collections (never read this before; I hear enough good and bad that I'm intrigued, and anyway I'm a sucker for these relationship dramas) and two hardcover volumes of The Towers of Bois-Maury by Belgian artist Hermann. All four set me back a mere $20 in total. Now that's a sale!

****

I have started work on the Friar's band posters. I'm liking the result, although I'm well aware of my limitations as a simple (and honestly, not exceptionally talented) pen-and-ink artist with a rough, cartoony style. It feels very good to be creating again, to be engaged in an artistic activity. I was so fired up, I drove with the posters to the Hangout --- where I met Friar, Anacreon and his wife and some girl Friar knows from out of town --- and showed them to him. I also called Spookytooth, and she came out, so we played a round of video bowling and talked a bit. She and Friar independently have been telling me how great teachers in the Catholic diocese have it, with high pay, great benefits, vacation and short hours. Not to mention a lot of help in the classroom, more respect, high academic standards, and they may even help pay for certification. To hell with the Job; I'm going to ask these two to use every connection they have to get me in there.

Johnny walker wisdom running high

Work was unremarkable. Came home, had a nap. Missed two calls from Spookytooth, who said she was feeling "lonely and unattractive." A few days ago, she had sex with a man she's been friends with for a while and she feels weird about it. I wish I didn't know that.

I declined Friar's invitation to dinner with him, Palfrey, 74 and Zaftig, as (again) I am not comfortable being the only singleton among couples. Instead I ate at my parents' house. I did meet Friar at the Hangout later. Some boring cover bands were playing. I drove Mr. Hangout, the owner, home, in his car. Very large car. It's a V-8; nice acceleration. He's a nice guy. He asked if I had broken up with "my girlfriend," by which, I realized a second later, he meant the Maddening Angel. (We haven't gone out much lately, and not to the Hangout in a while.) Yet another person who assumed what seemed obvious between us to everyone but her. I just said yes instead of explaining.

Friar and I then stopped by MA's birthday party after all. She was very very drunk. I gave her a gift card and a homemade birthday card. I drove us back to the Hangout, where we closed it out playing video bowling. (We're so well known, we can stay long after all the dumb college kid customers have been kicked out.)

All these double knit strangers with recycled stories

Went to work a bit late, as I overslept. This is the result of being a bit depressed over Ram. At work, the Maddening Angel told me her party would be at (one of her many, many) ex-boyfriend's house rather than her own, for a variety of reasons. I told her I couldn't possibly go in that case, and she got pretty mad.

I went to Classroom Management. We broke into two large groups to present Competency Six to one another. I tried to be funny but also knowledgeable and competent. I always straddle a line between charming and annoying.

Afterward, I went to the Hangout. The Friar gave me an assignment for a band poster. I had texted T and told her I was going, and she showed up. Then a psychotic ex-boyfriend of hers came by and acted bizarre and violent and she had to leave. I also talked to W, one of T's fellow waitresses at TriviaBar and a Hangout regular. Lord, that girl is a mess. She has horrible self-esteem, drinks way too much, and basically hates her life. I just wanted to pour her into my car and take her home and put her to bed. It sure made my self-pity seems small in comparison.

I was out till 2:00 a.m., even though I work at 9 a.m. tomorrow. Hell, I had fun. I'd do it again.

I'm an innocent victim of a blinded alley

Well, I was going to post about how stupid some of my classmates are (stymied by elementary math problems), but after I got home, Ram and I had a long, awkward conversation about how she no longer feels the way about me as she did before the break. I had long since surmised that already, but as always, having the cold reality of the situation handed to you is a bit jarring. She said, "I still want a relationship with you, but I don't think that it would ever be a romantic one." Yes, she said "relationship" rather than "friendship," but the meaning seems pretty clear. I've never been as rejected in such quantity as I have these last ten months or so. Thank God for Prozac! I joke, but I am sad and a bit bitter. This wouldn't be such a big deal if she hadn't acted so, so into me back in November. Cripes, why can't people know what they want?

So we talked as friends for a while, and she works out in Loserville all weekend starting tomorrow, so there's no chance at all of us hanging out this weekend, and... Well, I implied on the phone that I was willing to hang out with Ram as friends, but I'm not sure if that's true. I have friends I hardly speak to. I don't really need another pal. I'm in my mid-thirties, for God's sake. What I want is a serious romantic relationship. So, unfortunately, I think that Ram is now truly and finally out of the Chance saga.

With his cheeks in a chunk and his cheese in his cash

I went to work, came home, had a quick nap, ate a little bit of cheese and ham, then went to State School around 5:00 p.m. to meet T at the library. We chose a science-related article from the news for our report (an interesting thing about ants teaching other ants how to find food). That done, we hung out for a while before class. She showed me where to get a campus ID, so I got one (now I can see movies at a discount!). Then we went to a place called "The Pub," a hangout that, while physically resembling a pub in its use of wood and glass, actually serves only coffee and tea. Since T works at a bar, she found this very amusing. I got passion iced tea, a drink that I remarked was extremely homosexual. She thought this was amusing as well, which gives her bonus points in my book. Then we went to class, Science Methods.

Class consisted mostly of small groups practicing various science processes at five stations. We observed a lot. We inferred the hell out of an old log. We measured the bejeezus out of a dripping faucet. We classified the shit out of a rock collection. And so on.

After class, I called the Friar and met him at the Hangout. We played some gender-based trivia game with two of the waitresses there. I'm afraid that, although we did triumph a few times, they beat us more often than not. The place got very crowded with University kids, so we went to that burger place he loves so much and got cheese fries and chicken strips. And ranch dipping sauce. How fattening and sodium-laden. It was deliciously disgusting. The Friar talked to me a bit about hiring me to do some artwork for his label. I could do that.

T and I played phone tag for a bit, to see if she'd come to the Hangout too, but she chose another place and I went home, slightly tipsy and bloated from fatty carbs.

People talk of situations, read books, repeat quotations

In Reading I, we talked about the three major predictors of K-2 children learning (or not learning) to read. The three most important, according to decades of research, are:

* Letter name knowledge (both upper and lower case, with automaticity)
* Phonemic awareness (recognition and segmentation ability of sounds)
* Understanding of print concepts (that writing is left to right, top to bottom, that letters make up words, and words have meanings, etc)

Less important are other factors listed, including: hours of TV watched, kindergarten teachers' prediction or expectation, education of parents, history of preschool, gender and handedness, recognition of word meanings, amount that parents read to child, and verbal intelligence.

I call bullshit on this list. It seems to me that most of these factors are interrelated, and how researchers could factor out to the point of disregarding some of them is beyond me. For example, aren't those three main factors above a result of having a high verbal intelligence? Isn't that itself influenced by the amount of TV a child watches, whether she has gone to preschool, and how many books she is read to at home? And, I pointed out in class (though I think it's an unpopular position) isn't parental education level itself an overarching factor, as it often dictates how literate an environment the child is exposed to, the quality of their preschool education, and so on? I just don't see how these factors can be separated as in a vacuum. I understand that some children are dyslexic, and no matter what environmental factors they're exposed to, those three main predictors can still be missing. But aren't educators just avoiding an obvious and unpleasant idea when they won't admit that those three main predictors are a result of not being exposed to literacy at home and in preschool?

We also discussed the idea that "reading should permeate the day." That is, that literacy should be an environment, not a subject. Counting books can be read before a math lesson, books about animals or trees before a science project. Students should always have books within reach for free time or after seatwork is completed. Most of the students agreed with this, saying that in real life, reading is in fact everywhere and that artifically categorizing the day into "reading" and "non-reading" is counterproductive, though there was one woman (who hopes to teach only science) who insisted that "science time is for science, and the kids need a break from reading sometime."

Review of Marvel Team-Up

Marvel Team-Up: The Golden Child
Marvel Team-Up: Master Of the Ring
by Robert Kirkman, Scott Kolins, et. al.

I bought the first volume to this series a while back, loved it, and recently got the second. There has been no reduction in the quality of this book. This series is Kirkman's love letter to the Marvel Universe, and it's a funny valentine indeed. I'm not much of a Marvel fan, but no comic book in recent memory has given me so much pure Big Dumb Fanboy Pleasure than these collections. The plot threads actually are suspenseful and interesting, but it's the little vignettes and touches of humor that make this series truly great escapist fun.

Savor the moments:
* Dr. Strange muses on dark forces moving in the universe and gravely intones, "Wong, more tea!"
* Punisher meets Blade, they have a Mexican standoff, Blade lowers his weapon and turns away... and the Punisher shoots him in the back.
* Spiderman says that riding with Moon Knight is thrilling, "like riding with Batman or something."
* The titular Golden Boy always teleports away from danger --- into more danger. (The visuals are highly amusing.)
* The Punisher saves the world by brutally shooting a guy.
* Sleepwalker being dispelled as he goes to fight evil because his host body is snoring.

And the cameos! My God, the cameos! Wendigo, Nova, Stilt Man, Black Cat... even that weird-looking bulb-headed old mailman the Fantastic Four used to have. Kirkman's writing is a roller coaster trip --- dizzingly weird scenarious, Grant Morrisonesque day-saving by heroes with a "been there, done that" panache, and disarmingly absurd bits of silliness. Perfect characterizations, as well; Kirkman knows his Marvel universe. Spiderman's beleaguered, witty banter is perfect, as is Wolverine's surly, aggressive manner and Captain America's pained nobility.

The art, especially Kolins' work, matches Kirkman's apt characterizations --- everyone looks different, the builds are heroic but not freakish, and Wolverine remains the right size throughout!

I keep these two graphic novels on my shelf proudly next to Supreme Power, Morrison's New X-Men, and Miller's Daredevil.

Looking for the heart of Saturday night

A lazy Saturday. Despite A. E. Houseman's chastisements, I got up past 9, the sun already streaming down into my face. I watched some of "The Shield" with my father and then walked Dog.

Maddening Angel called. We were going to go hiking, but because she was doing some artifical tan thing where she can't sweat (ugh), we had lunch and then saw the Judy Dench and Bob Hoskins movie Mrs. Henderson Presents. Very good. The truly aggrieved yet still friendly bickering between the two leads, who were not romantically involved, reminded me a lot of MA and myself. There's a lot of tension between us, but it's forgotten quickly.

The Friar called to invite me to dinner with him, his wife Palfrey, Anacreon and his wife M, but I bowed out: who wants to be to be the fifth wheel? I later joined him for a drink at The Hangout, which was packed with college kids. One of the Friar's bands were playing. The Friar has been a very good friend to me these past months; I can't say he's helped me exactly, through no fault of his own but instead due entirely to the depth of my particular psychological afflictions, but I do appreciate that he's been kicking my ass mentally, telling me to shape up, telling me to get over MA and that she's not worth being with me, urging me to draw more, to start being creative in general again, and basically to feel better about myself. I am --- the Prozac is helping --- but it's hard when I can see for myself on a daily basis that I'm hardly what women typically find attractive.

Tomorrow I need to get working on school stuff. I have a few things due starting Monday.

You won't take my love for tender

My stovetop exploded in a shower of sparks today. I was boiling spaghetti when the range coil fused with the pot, gashing and twisting the coil, blowing a hole in the bottom of the pot, and sprinkling bits of metal over the nice bowl of salmon alfredo I'd prepared so lovingly and left on the counter. The resulting hole in the pot then caused the water to fall out onto the red-hot coil, and a small fire quickly both started and was put out. Kitchen drama!

My Prozac really must be working now. Relations with the Maddening Angel are polite to friendly, but nowhere near the previous level of deep, siblingesque friendship they were back in October or so. Today, after her shift ended, she called to ask me to eat something before she had to be at a party somewhere, but I had just eaten. I said that I'd go with her and just be company, but she said no, she was going to eat with someone else. See, a few weeks ago, maybe even last week, that would have had me indignant and resentful and severely depressed --- crying, raging, the whole works. Now, even though the Friar called off a dinner tonight and I'm doing nothing on a Friday night, I feel only mildly self-pitying. Ah, Prozac. Ask for it by name at your local high school parking lot.

Oh, and last night, Ram texted me. I hadn't contacted her since Sunday. (Although it's common currency that girls like attention, I have actually found that many respond better to being left alone; is this the case?) So we had a text chat, she suggested dinner "some time," and I told her how crowded my schedule was but that I'd try. As a follow-up, I called her this morning, and she texted back, for once. Ram's a weird one. She said some extremely affectionate things to me last month, implying that she was strongly interested in being a part of my life, then basically ignored me for a month. I like her a lot, but have only feeble hopes for this to turn into a Thing: too much baggage on both ends, maybe.

My dreams are made of iron and steel

I'm feeling better about work now that I leave at 2:00 daily. I'm much more relaxed. Our theme has been Art, and there's been a lot of great learning and exploration. Today the kids cut and glued a construction-paper copy of Matisse's Icarus. I told them the story of the mythological Icarus, and they had some amazingly insightful things to say about the piece after they heard it. For example, some thought the black figure was falling, some thought he was swimming (and the yellow bursts were fish). One girl said that the red dot was where the sun had burned him, and a boy said that it was a Band-Aid his father had put on him after the sun hurt him! These kids are goddam geniuses, I tells ya.

I went home and took a nap (which seems to have become a habit lately --- I must need the sleep). Then I drove up to State School a few hours early. There was a mandatory meeting for this semester's 20 hours of field experience. Since I'm taking Classroom Management with Ms. P, who is a principal at H elementary, I've been assigned to that school. Apparently Ms. P likes to keep a tight rein on her students. (This makes it pretty much a given that I'm going to go to Ms. P's stupid Parents' Night Out in February, where she has her students come take care of the kids at her school for "three extra points," even though I chafe at being dragooned into unpaid volunteer work.)

Class was pretty good. We watched a Harry Wong video --- he's a cornball, but I must admit he's got some good things to say. We also went over SBEC (Texas' State Board for Educator Certification) competency five; it deals with an effective classroom and a safe physical environment. It was time well spent; Ms. P may be a cross between a control freak and a flake, but she seems to know her business (helping us to pass the EC-4 PPR test, mostly) and she's fun.

I'll keep chasing the soles of your shoes

Yesterday at work, relations with MA a bit strained. Today, after a few of my terse, one-word answers, she got mad. I defused the situation a bit with humor (I don't want to lose her as a friend), but my feelings do remain hurt. I'll get over it. She called a couple of times after my shift; I missed the first call, didn't take the second.

I think the Prozac is kicking in. Not only am I less depressed about being alone (I just find myself... indifferent), but little situations at work no longer anger me as much as they used to.

In Math Concepts, we did an exercise where we were supposed to find the triangle that held the least. To my shock, many of my college-age classmates, preparing to be teachers, honestly had no idea how to find the area of a triangle! Many of them simply counted the squares defined by the shapes (they were on grid paper), or even cut them out to see which was bigger. Now, I understand that some of them may have been trying to emulate how a small child would approach the problem, but several of them --- the girl I was paired with, for one --- sincerely had no idea how to do such a simple operation. I am amazed. We spent the majority of the class learning the 14 problem types of Cognitively Guided Instruction.

Oh, and Ms. H. also treated us to some "thinking outside the box" problems (she did last class, too, but I forgot them). Here's one: a man afraid to come home, and another man is wearing a mask. I thought one student's idea that there was a fumigator at the first man's house was quite ingenious, but the "real" answer is [highlight to reveal] that they're playing baseball.

Here's another: a man left for a four-day trip. He was gone a total of four days. He left on Friday and returned on Friday. How can this be? This one is tough; the answer is: he rode on a horse named Friday.

***

After class, I drove to the Hangout and joined the Friar and L. I meant to stay for just one drink, but some CPA guy we met insisted on buying us a round, and then the three of us tried to hit the #1 spot on every video trivia category (a feat we failed at in only one category, "Weird 'n' Wild"). While there, I called MA and left a message. I want to dial down my enthusiam for her, but I don't want to be a prick about it, either.

Oh to be 33 forever

Today's class was Science Methods. Ms. C, ever the hardnose, kept us until 10:00 p.m., 15 minutes later than class is supposed to end. We took a two-question quiz and then there were two "science in the news" presentations (I'm paired with a pretty girl called T, whom I actually know from the Triviabar where she's a waitress --- we're doing ours two weeks from now). We then did an interesting excerise where we paired up, put a long string with loops on each end on our wrists like handcuffs, with each person's string overlapping so we were tied together. No one could figure out how to get free, though Ms. C swears there's an easy way to do it. Then the class split into four groups and did brief lesson plan presentations. Our group did a bit on how air takes up space, and performed the old "upside down cup under water stays dry" trick to demonstrate. I got 5 out of 5 on last week's discussion question. That is all. Lifted weights, made lunch for tomorrow, watched some of Fantastic Four (it's fun!), bed.

Martin Luther King Day

Happy MLK Day! Let us remember to be just and loving and kind to all our fellow humans. (I do try...) I'm not going to do a special MLK entry, but Meghan at I'm ablogging did a very nice post that juxtaposes the good doctor's words with some relevant pictures. It says everything I would and more.

Because there were so few kids at school today (yes, we were open!), I went home early. Actually, I came in an hour late. I was so depressed last night that I pretty much planned to sleep in. Anyway, I stayed for about an hour, leaving hours before the Maddening Angel's shift starts. She didn't call me from work, which means she knows that a big part of the reason I left is that I'm avoiding her. It's a blow to the ego to realize that the "special bond" you thought you had isn't really all that special at all. And her silly excuses about us not dating because of work or the age gap are just insulting my intelligence.

And of course Ram never called back, so that's another blow to the esteem.

I started doing some school work at last, reading in my science book and completing a short writing assignment: my science autobiography (my experience with learning science in the classroom). My science background is sparse at best.

More depressed than ever

Woke up too late for church. No big deal, maybe next week. This Prozac really makes me drowsy.

I called Spookytooth and talked to her for half an hour, making up for the avoidance yesterday I suppose. It's unfortunate, but she's boring; otherwise I'd be more inclined to hang out with her.

Sap I am, I also called Ram again. No answer, of course. I am very much afraid that Spookytooth : Chance : : Chance : Ram. I will not contact her again.

The Maddening Angel is not only going to a basketball game with her ex tomorrow, she's watching TV with him tonight. When I asked her about it, she got very mad. We got into a bit of a fight about it. I feel lonely and sad, and angry at MA for hanging out with such an asshole and occasionally sleeping with him.

Very very depressed.

***

Went to 74 and Zaftig's house. Cooed at the baby, played a card game called Corsairs with 74. Met up with Friar briefly at the Hangout. Called MA again, had purging, friendly sort of conversation. Explained why I was obsessing about her and Asshole: that once she was over him, maybe we could explore feelings we may have for each other. "Oh, honey, we can't date," was her response. Because of work, age, etc., she went on to say --- but it's really because she doesn't find me attractive at all. I said I know we can't date, but wasn't it true that she had sent me signals saying she was interested? Then came those words that all males so love to hear: "No, I'm sorry if I gave you that impression, but..."

So apparently all I've ever meant to her is a friend. According to her, she's never been anything but just-friendly with me. Just good friends. She said she's a theater drama kind of person, and cuddly by nature. I know that, I've seen her with other friends, she hugs a lot, but... She sleeps arm in arm on the couch wearing just a bra with her pals? She calls her buddies at 2:45 in the morning to come be with her because she had a nightmare? She cancels not one but two actual dates to hang out with a friend? That's just friends?

K didn't think so. Friar didn't think so. Even Ram didn't think so. Everyone at work thought we were dating just from our banter. Everyone who sees us together immediately assumes we're dating. But it's just friends.

That's how it is, and I feel like the biggest goddam fool I've ever felt like in my entire life. How can I possibly face her at work tomorrow?

And back again to the despair

One thing I forgot when I got that uplift of spirits from K yesterday: she makes shit up all the time. (And apparently, she has a prediliction for stirring shit up, especially when it comes to the Maddening Angel --- something I've noticed first hand. I mean, I'm crazed with jealousy, but what's her beef with MA's social life?) So actually, MA may not have ever thought of me as a potential date.

Got two calls from Spookytooth. Didn't answer, didn't call back. Gripped with remorse and the sinking feeling that the way I feel about Spookytooth just might be the same way Ram now feels about me: kinda nice and all, but a little weird and certainly not somebody you want to hang out with if something else is shaking.

I hung out with MA in the evening, did a few errands with her, then we watched Demme's remake of The Manchurian Candidate. I tried to put my arm around her and got rebuffed ("you're messing up my hair!"). Affectionate interplay between us much less than usual. She's going to see a basketball game with her dickhead ex-boyfriend tomorrow. (That's not just the jealousy talking; he really is a prime asshole.) It seems that even if I was originally "a potential suitor," I'm now not. This afternoon we talked on the phone a bit, and I don't know how it came up, but we got to talking about how we used to hang out a lot more. She said, "Well, obviously, at this point, you and I could never date." I said, "Why?" She was surprised by the question. She said, "Well, we work together, and we're best friends now, and you got mad at me for dating someone younger than you, and... Argh! Why are you crazy?" All possible legitimate reasons, all possible ways of politely avoiding the fact that she's not attracted to me, all possible ways of masking her feelings for me if any. I wish things didn't have to be so complicated. I was thinking more about that asking her out in February thing, but after tonight I'm not so sure.

So yeah, for a few hours I got to hang out with and sit next to a cute girl who's my good friend, which is more than a lot of lonely people do. But like I've said before, it's the going back home to a house with only Dog in it that makes it all the more depressing.

Karmic payback is a bitch.

Feeling a bit happier

Off work at 2:00 p.m. as usual, but no night classes to go to! Friday rocks! I went home and took a nap! Whoo!

Ram called me back and left a message. I'm a sap, but it made me happy.

The Maddening Angel and I made plans to see a movie at the theater but instead, it being a full moon and Friday the 13th, I rented some scary movies. We watched The Shining at her place with K. Actually, since we'd all seen it a few times, we didn't watch it so much as talk through it ("How old do you think Jack is in this?" "Shelley Duvall isn't very good looking, but she's also a bad actress." "Do yoo have the shinnin', boy?" "Don't you mean the shining?" "Quiet! D'ye want t'get sued?") We ate pizza and drank a bit and had fun, and watched some TV at K's place.

Then K and I went to Donleavy's and had a drink. Some of her law school friends were there. She told me --- and this was complete news to me --- that when she first met me, MA asked her what she thought of me because "she saw you as a potential suitor."

Um.

What?

Gee, if I'd known that then, maybe I'd have been more up front with her about my feelings. But then, she also wasn't over the ex-boyfriend then, anyway. And maybe she decided that I wasn't suitor material after all. (There were more than a few mixed messages from the very start of our relationship.) And maybe it would have ended badly because she's such a social butterfly. I'll never know, will I? The point is that I ought to be honest in everything, not to feign an indifference I don't truly feel in order to protect my pride or whatever. That is in fact one of my New Year's resolutions, and it's why I've been so blantant about calling Ram and telling her that I'm interested in seeing her again.

I have the germ of an idea that when my divorce is final I may ask MA out. But will I? Time will tell.

Classroom Management

The fourth and last class of the week is taught by Ms. P. It is Classroom Management, and it requires 20 more hours of public school observation. Ms. P is a principal somewhere in DISD, and seems a bit of a flake (she entered the room with a bright, "Hi, guys!"). We spent the majority of the class playing an inane game where we described ourselves and named everyone else in the room. Then we went over the syllabus. I'm reserving judgement on the class for now. Might be fun; hopefully not a waste of time.

After class I joined the Friar at the Hangout. Then we went elsewhere to see Sonar play. I called the Maddening Angel and she came by with one of her few female friends, stayed for a drink, then left. I was pissy. I can't help it --- I'm consumed with jealousy and resentment. Perhaps I should stop hanging out with her at all.

Inspired by the Flaming Lips song "Fight Test," I called Ram and left a message basically saying that I was calling her even though she never called me back. No reply, of course. Pathetic? Or touching in that Hollywood ending kind of way?