Monday, January 02, 2006

Lachrymose lamentations

If it's true that what you do on New Year's Day will determine the template for your entire year, I'm going to be a bored, pathetic guy mooning over women who aren't interested in me throughout 2006. Because that's what 1/1/06 what pretty much all about. Oh, and Boggle.

Today I went to the Used Bookstore. It took way too long, but I got three graphic novels --- Bone: Rock Jaw, Enigma and an autobiographical B&W indie book, David Chelsea In Love. A steal at $15 for the lot.

I finished reading the latest Flashman Book, Flashman On the March. The weakest in the series, I'm afraid.

Spookytooth called; the Friar kept to himself; and I talked briefly to the Ex.

The Maddening Angel texted me, a terse message saying only "Out of town. Talk to you tomorrow." Which I'm assuming means that Boyfriend is back and he's taken her out of town so they can go at it like stoats in peace. As I said to MA on New Year's Eve, "When your boyfriend comes back, you and I won't hang out as much anymore." She said that he wasn't her boyfriend (but he is), and that it wasn't true (but it is). Fuckin' pedophile bastard (he's 11 years older than her --- as am I, the fuckin' hypocritical bastard). She's said she might show him the door because he's taken to calling himself her boyfriend and assuming more than MA likes. I told her that she was very loveable and that she shouldn't penalize people for wanting to stick with a good thing when they find it. Gads, but I'm noble.

This has been one of the most depressing days for me in a while. I've literally upset my stomach from jealousy, loneliness and resentment. MA is certainly extremely fond of me and loves me like a brother; the problem is that I love her like a sister that I'm secretly attracted to and want all to myself.

(And it wouldn't bother me quite so much if we hadn't already gotten so close, spending so much time together. We used to see each other after work every day. We'd call several times a day. Her calling at 2:45 in the morning was not unusual. Weekends, we'd hang out. Why were we so seemingly inseperable and then suddenly less close? [I think it was the sleeping and napping side-by-side on her couch that one weekend back in November that made her step back.] Better never to have loved at all than to have loved and lost.)


Oh, I know no one's satisfied with their position and their place. Zaftig told me some of her problems on new Year's Eve; the Friar probably deep down feels himself to be a failure; my father was a brilliant Oxford scholarship student with huge potential and now is living in very straitened circumstances in Texas with no glory to his name, Spookytooth has cancer and a kid with health problems, the Maddening Angel is pretty much insane, her friend K drinks herself to oblivion out of loneliness and depression... And so much deeper misfortune abounds, as well, from young kids getting their limbs blown off in Iraq to families losing their children to murder.

But I still feel sorry for myself.

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