Saturday, January 07, 2006

Glutton for punishment

For some fucking reason I agreed to go out to eat with the Maddening Angel and her fucking friend from 9th grade that wants to date her. Either out of her ADHD or genuine naivité, she didn't seem to have grasped the gist of the conversation we'd had about my feelings with her, so I was forced to say it again in a desperate, truncated talk in her car in the parking lot. "I am jealous of all your friends." "But you're not jealous when I spend time with a girl, like K." "No. Get it?" "No... What are you saying? You want to find a girl?" Maybe she wanted me to come right out and say it, maybe she just wanted to avoid it; either way I failed and did not say that I wanted to date her myself. (Because, let's face it, do I? It's well established that she has no concept of fidelity or consistency. I just want her to be with me all the time. Is that so much to ask?)

Came home, walked the Dog, lifted weights, met the Friar and his boss C at the Hangout. Then, much against my better judgement, I went to MA's apartment where she was having a party. After the 15th fratboy, oafish-looking guy walked in carrying beer, I snapped, hugged her goodbye rather roughly, and tore out of there like some stupid creep in a snit. What a ludicrous picture I must have made. But Christ, I didn't want to stick around there with all her ex-boyfriends and fuckbuddies and guys she's made out with (all of them that she'd met, I'm safe in assuming) and guys she will make out with (the one's she hadn't met yet). The only person there I had any interest in talking to was her, and she doesn't want to be with me the way I want to be with her. I cried driving home.

No comments: