Sunday, January 15, 2006

More depressed than ever

Woke up too late for church. No big deal, maybe next week. This Prozac really makes me drowsy.

I called Spookytooth and talked to her for half an hour, making up for the avoidance yesterday I suppose. It's unfortunate, but she's boring; otherwise I'd be more inclined to hang out with her.

Sap I am, I also called Ram again. No answer, of course. I am very much afraid that Spookytooth : Chance : : Chance : Ram. I will not contact her again.

The Maddening Angel is not only going to a basketball game with her ex tomorrow, she's watching TV with him tonight. When I asked her about it, she got very mad. We got into a bit of a fight about it. I feel lonely and sad, and angry at MA for hanging out with such an asshole and occasionally sleeping with him.

Very very depressed.


Went to 74 and Zaftig's house. Cooed at the baby, played a card game called Corsairs with 74. Met up with Friar briefly at the Hangout. Called MA again, had purging, friendly sort of conversation. Explained why I was obsessing about her and Asshole: that once she was over him, maybe we could explore feelings we may have for each other. "Oh, honey, we can't date," was her response. Because of work, age, etc., she went on to say --- but it's really because she doesn't find me attractive at all. I said I know we can't date, but wasn't it true that she had sent me signals saying she was interested? Then came those words that all males so love to hear: "No, I'm sorry if I gave you that impression, but..."

So apparently all I've ever meant to her is a friend. According to her, she's never been anything but just-friendly with me. Just good friends. She said she's a theater drama kind of person, and cuddly by nature. I know that, I've seen her with other friends, she hugs a lot, but... She sleeps arm in arm on the couch wearing just a bra with her pals? She calls her buddies at 2:45 in the morning to come be with her because she had a nightmare? She cancels not one but two actual dates to hang out with a friend? That's just friends?

K didn't think so. Friar didn't think so. Even Ram didn't think so. Everyone at work thought we were dating just from our banter. Everyone who sees us together immediately assumes we're dating. But it's just friends.

That's how it is, and I feel like the biggest goddam fool I've ever felt like in my entire life. How can I possibly face her at work tomorrow?

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