Sunday, January 15, 2006

And back again to the despair

One thing I forgot when I got that uplift of spirits from K yesterday: she makes shit up all the time. (And apparently, she has a prediliction for stirring shit up, especially when it comes to the Maddening Angel --- something I've noticed first hand. I mean, I'm crazed with jealousy, but what's her beef with MA's social life?) So actually, MA may not have ever thought of me as a potential date.

Got two calls from Spookytooth. Didn't answer, didn't call back. Gripped with remorse and the sinking feeling that the way I feel about Spookytooth just might be the same way Ram now feels about me: kinda nice and all, but a little weird and certainly not somebody you want to hang out with if something else is shaking.

I hung out with MA in the evening, did a few errands with her, then we watched Demme's remake of The Manchurian Candidate. I tried to put my arm around her and got rebuffed ("you're messing up my hair!"). Affectionate interplay between us much less than usual. She's going to see a basketball game with her dickhead ex-boyfriend tomorrow. (That's not just the jealousy talking; he really is a prime asshole.) It seems that even if I was originally "a potential suitor," I'm now not. This afternoon we talked on the phone a bit, and I don't know how it came up, but we got to talking about how we used to hang out a lot more. She said, "Well, obviously, at this point, you and I could never date." I said, "Why?" She was surprised by the question. She said, "Well, we work together, and we're best friends now, and you got mad at me for dating someone younger than you, and... Argh! Why are you crazy?" All possible legitimate reasons, all possible ways of politely avoiding the fact that she's not attracted to me, all possible ways of masking her feelings for me if any. I wish things didn't have to be so complicated. I was thinking more about that asking her out in February thing, but after tonight I'm not so sure.

So yeah, for a few hours I got to hang out with and sit next to a cute girl who's my good friend, which is more than a lot of lonely people do. But like I've said before, it's the going back home to a house with only Dog in it that makes it all the more depressing.

Karmic payback is a bitch.

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