I'm the biggest one

Songs of me this moment

The Hold Steady - "Stevie Nix"
Old 97's - "Valentine"
They Might Be Giants - "The Biggest One"

I feel like nineteen kinds of idiot for flouncing out of that party last night, but I couldn't take it a second longer. Just as I was storming out, K was calling out my name. I called her from the car and apologized for not turning around, that I didn't mean to insult her. "You just wanted to make a dramatic statement for the Maddening Angel, huh?" she said. Yeah. Little idiot that I am.

MA said while I was trying to state how I felt and not really being clear that I was being "womanly," and she was right. I was vacillating and backtracking and being oblique. I'm usually a very guy kind of guy. Jesus, maybe I really am love sick. (Literally --- I don't feel well.)

Plagued by bad dreams and fitful sleep all night, naturally, though some small comfort came in the morning. My dreams turned positive. MA was telling me to just "be more attractive." To be confident and funny, as I know I can be, which makes up for a lot of my deficiencies. I also dreamed that we were lying together on her couch, and I put my arm around her and my hand on her shoulder. In the dream she said, "Oh, just go for it" --- meaning I should touch her breast. (Oh, it's an internal dialogue I've had with myself a few times.) Now, there's no reason to think that this is something that the real MA would say or feel. But it is my brain telling me to snap out of it and not be such a wimp.

***

I read the autobiographical graphic novel David Chelsea In Love with great interest, as it seems to mirror a few of my own mixed-up desires and frustrations in my life right now. It's drawn with great skill --- Chelsea's use of pacing, unusual panel sequence, and variety of styles gives the book a visual appeal. But the story gave me pause. The entire book is about Chelsea's on-again, off-again romance with Minnie, whom he seems to think of as his soul mate. But there's very little in the book to explain the appeal for Chelsea. What is it about her that makes her special? More disturbing for me is that, especially at the end, Chelsea seems to think that he has set up a dichotomy: Minnie is promiscuous and flighty, he is solid and reliable. But Chelsea has sex with, or lusts after, every single woman in the story that isn't his sister. He also doesn't care in the least if the women are involved with anyone else at the time. So it's hard for me as a reader to connect with him: from reading the story, all I get is that Minnie was just another girl for him, albeit one that was a bit harder to pin down than the rest.

I guess I really am the only one who values one-on-one, monogamous relationships.

***

Later I went to the Hangout. The Friar was there and a band of minor repute was playing. I texted the MA but got no response, so went home. Once there, she called back --- she was barhopping with a date or a group of guys --- but I had left already.

Here are some strong questions for myself: do I really love her, or am I in love with the idea of her loving me? Even if she were willing to date me, could I trust her (given what I know of how she's treated relationships in the past)? Fuck, I dunno.