Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Stuff your message of love up the end of their guns

At work, the Maddening Angel got very angry at me. I was being petty and resentful and I said something for which I'm ashamed enough that I won't record it here. Basically, she was complaining about being sleepy a lot lately and I posited a reason why that might have been. She told me she was sick of my pattern of passive-aggressive judgemental comments, and that I wasn't a friend if she couldn't share certain things without me judging her.

She's right, she's right. I know that intellectually. But how I am and what I feel in my heart is hard to control. I am resentful and bitter and angry. Against all logic and reason, I feel insulted that she isn't attracted to me. People can't help who they're attracted to. I have no reason to take it personally, much less act like a passive-agressive little weasel, but I do.


I met T, my science partner, at State School. We walked to "the Pub" and she ordered food. Oh snap! Suddenly we realized that we had to turn in typed page or two about the news item along with our presentation! (Why hadn't either of us thought to look at the assignment rubric in advance?) We hastened to the library and, to use T's verb, "bullshitted" a quick page and a quarter.

The presentation went fine, and our only point deduction was in fact for the paper, which, since T wrote about half of it, contained a typo or two and a few awkward bits of grammar. Oh, T's quite bright and she writes fine, but... my writing is better, that's all.

In class, we spent a lot of time walking around the perimeter of the classroom holding styrofoam balls up to a lamp in the middle of the room. Yes, we were simulating the phases of the moon. Many, many people did not get it. Then Ms. C drew a concept map for the phases of the moon. Many people did not get that either.


As I get to know T, it seems she's in some ways like MA --- a lot of guy friends, free and easy with the hugs, just generally relating to people in a friendly, close way. (A fellow classmate asked where we met, and said she asked because we seemed "so close." We barely know each other!)

Note to self: do not fool yourself into thinking you have a special bond with T or that T and you are even very close friends. You are not. You are one of T's many, many acquaintances. That is all.

[I need to stop getting intrigued by these women with relaxed attitudes to affection, lots of guy friends, and tattoos on their lower back. I mean, not to indulge in gross stereotypes or anything, but they seem to be the kind that like my intellect, humor and personality, but are diametrically opposed to my social and relational values.]

Ram wants to be just my friend. MA likes me as a friend and nothing else. The other day T said "I like you a lot, Chance, and I'm not just saying that because I have two drinks in me" --- but she meant she likes me as a friend. Hell, even the goddam Ex wants to be my friend now. I'm not saying that I resent all this platonic attention from cute girls, but I do kinda wish I was physically attractive. Being a friendly, funny guy only does so much for your self esteem.

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