Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Amazo Vs. Batman and Nightwing

[NB: this scathing bit of truth in journalism was first posted in April, 2005]

Greetings. This post marks COC history --- Batman is the first character to be featured twice. Just thought I'd mention that for posterity.

Anyways. In Batman #637, Bruce ("Batman") Wayne and Dick ("I'm Not Robin") Grayson are confronted with, and defeat, the dreaded (albeit silly-named) android Amazo.

Amazo, in case you're not a 9th-level nerd like me, is a synthetic being who, somehow, has the powers of the original seven members of the Justice League of America. (And later, more, but let's just stick with the original members for now.) Post-Crisis, it's pretty hard to keep track of who exactly constitutes that group (that knowledge is the purview of 10th-level nerds), but I'm pretty sure it included Superman, Flash, Wonderwoman, Green Lantern and possibly the Martian Manhunter. Wow. And yet two humans in spandex whupped him with a hunk of plastique and some snazzy acrobatics. How can that be, I hear you clamor?

Well, the answer, to inappropriately quote William S. Burroughs, is so simple. Sheer, depraved fan-boy lust. Only a slavering Batbuddy fan-boy would think it was acceptable to set Batman and Nightwing against a foe of Amazo's caliber without some serious planning beforehand (which they had not --- they were surprised). Let alone to have them win. Yes, Batman is the Dark Knight, the Most Dangerous Man On Earth, looks stylish in a tuxedo, and for sheer battle stategy, could outflank Patton, Napoleon, Rommel and Alexander put together. But hand to hand, with no super-powered help from his buddies in the JLA, against Amazo? No chance. This is a creature of almost godlike power. To be fair, this Amazo was apparently an early model, with no magic lasso, power ring or bow and arrow. But even so, even with Superman and the Flash's powers --- hell, even with half of that power level --- Amazo wins. Having Batman beat Amazo is just wankery, and only weakens the image of Batman as the human at the peak of his ability. It's an error.

Much in the spirit of the [orignally] March 12th entry of this very blog, this entry will rectify that fanboy-inspired outcome. Here is how such a fight would really go:

Batman and Nightwing sight Amazo. At the same moment, Amazo sees them.

Batman: "It's Amazo!"

With Olympic-level athleticism and daring beyond most mortals' ken, Nightwing leaps up to higher ground, while with the speed born of endless hours of training honed by combat, Batman reaches for the bombs at his belt.

Before Nighwing's feet can touch the railings above or Bats' fingers can touch the bombs, Amazo rushes over in a blur of speed, grabs them both by the neck and squeezes, killing them instantly.

The end.

The Champ. Posted by Hello

No genitalia. No girl.

Next: All the way down Route Snikkety-Snikt, bub!

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