Sunday, November 13, 2005

Green Lantern Vs. Iron Man

Hola! Es muy bueno hoy!

Today's donnybrook features two powerhouses: bazillionaire industrialist Tony Stark, yclept "Invincible," Iron Man; and his opponent, the man in black and green, Kyle Rayner, wielder of the most powerful weapon in the universe, Green Lantern. Now, in this fight...

["Whoa! Whoa! Hold the phone," some people may be shrieking hysterically, fanboy spittle flying from their feverish lips. "Yeah, it's your blog and all, but Kyle Rayner? By Oa, where's the real Green Lantern?!!"

Oh, yeah, Alan Scott. Yeah, he's great. I'll probably feature him in the f---

"No, not him! HAL JORDAN!!"

Oh. Yeah. Him. Well, see, the thing about that is, see...

Fuck Hal Jordan. I don't give a shit about Hal Jordan. I wish he'd stayed dead. People, the guy's weakness was the color yellow! Yellow. It's Green Lantern! Quick, pelt him with twinkies and lemons! I mean come on. And his ring could be taken from him and used against him. What, the guardians of Oa couldn't be bothered to put some kind of Jordan imprint on the ring? Any Joe Schlub could pick it up and start creating green fantasies of his own? Not that Joe Schlub off the street would do a worse job with the ring than Hal Jordan. All he knew how to do was make big green hands, spheres and boxing gloves. The guy had a weapon that made his thoughts become reality, and what did he do? He made big green hands grab people. Great, Hal. Nice imagination there. Oh, and finally: what's this no fear crap? I don't admire people who are too stupid to know when they're in danger. Keep your head down, wait for the right moment, then make your move --- seems like pretty sound advice. But Hal's the kind of jerk who, finding himself in the trenches in WWI, would charge across no man's land at Verdun and be riddled by German machine guns before he'd have time to figure out why he was out there in the first place. "Too bad about Private Jordan, he was a stand-up guy." "Yeah, but too dumb to wear his helmet. Said he wasn't scared of taking a bullet." "Gee, that is kinda dumb, Sergeant Rayner."

Well.... anyway. So that's what I think about slavish Hal devotion.]

Where was I? Oh yeah, this was supposed to be a fight, right? Well, let's see... The most powerful weapon in the universe against a mustachioed alcoholic in a souped-up bodysuit.

I'd say Kyle will have peeled Tony out of that suit with a big green can-opener in about .75 seconds.

(Good thing it wasn't Hal fighting; he'd have been stymied by Iron Man's yellow armor and yellow repulsor beams.)

The Champ. Posted by Hello

Next: Heavy metal thunder

No comments: