Clutching to an empty plan

Better minds and bigger hearts
Larger scale and cheaper parts
Faded patrons of the arts
High heeled post-operation tarts
--- Steve Wynn, "Younger"

I drove to Spooky's house right after work and took her to her doctor's appointment; she had a consult regarding the non-cancerous tumor in her breast, which is causing her a lot of pain. The consult was pretty much a waste of time, as the doctor more or less said she wouldn't touch someone with Spooky's "interesting" health history. The doc did try to talk pain management, but Spooky doesn't want to go down that heavily medicated road so early in her life.

Later this evening, we had a delicious sushi dinner. I've always been a bit chary of eating sushi in Texas, but this seemed like a decent place. Then we went to the Hangout. We picked up the Maddening Angel, and the three of us (plus Friar, who was there as always) hung out, drank and played video games. Then MA's boyfriend Cokehead showed up. They warned him that I didn't like him, so he stayed away from me. There's something creepy about him; I don't know he's a drug dealer or what, but he's definitely got a skeleton in a closet somewhere.

I feel like a jerk in a lot of ways these days. I'm having fun with Spooky, and I know she loves me, but I just can't see myself loving her. I like her a lot and have fun with her, but I never say any more than that. (At least I'm honest.) She lives with Babydaddy, she has a litany of health issues, and she can't have children. All reasons for me to keep this relationship less than soulmate-permanent.

And as for MA, my smart, funny, absolutely gorgeous, naive, ditzy unrequited love and (former?) best friend, yes, I do feel resentment. I resent the fact that she's going out with Cokehead, who like me is in his thirties and divorced, no career man, and kinda goofy-looking... But she isn't attracted to me and would never go out with me. Would I date MA, if she dumped Cokehead and threw herself at me? I'm afraid I would. Would that be a pretty dumb thing to do? Probably. Of course, that's not going to happen, so this rhetorical ruminating is all moot, but it's the emotional storm I've been sailing these last few months.

Finally, Spooky and I were going to spend the night at her house, but we stayed out too late, Babydaddy fell asleep in their bed because he has to be at work at five in the morning, and there was a bit of a flare-up between Spooky and me because of it, but it ended well enough. So many impediments to a real relationship here...