Monday, February 20, 2006

I took a little risk

Send lawyers, guns and money
The shit has hit the fan
--- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns And Money"

We had a teacher in-service day at The Job. I renewed my CPR and First Aid training.

The Maddening Angel and I had talked last night, so we were friendly in the morning. But when she mentioned old Cokehead, the ex-boyfriend who has become the boyfriend again but in a much bigger way (the one she wanted to have her keys), something inside me broke. I'd really been telling myself to act like a brother to MA, to be her friend and not a jealous wanna-be boyfriend. I guess I just can't control my feelings like that. "I can't believe you're back with him," I said.

"You should talk, Cassanova," she said. "I hope you treat Spookytooth better so she'll stick around." Ouch! Hurtful words. Worse, how the fucking fuck did she know? Damn that blabbermouth fucking Spookytooth!!!


We were supposed to stay at work for a while and do classroom management and planning, but I got out of there as soon as our staff meeting was over (ticking off The Boss, but who gives a crap). At home, MA called me. She began with "I love you and I care about you, Chance, but I'm not going to put up with your tantrums any more." And it went downhill from there.

"You have no business judging my personal life," she said. "After you went away that night and screwed Spookytooth, which is wrong on so many levels. You've told me you're not attracted to her, so you're just using her! I care about her and I think you're going to hurt her." It sounded like jealousy, but I really don't think it is. She's just angry that my feelings have made me act in a such a pissy way.

So I call Spookytooth for a reckoning, twice. She denied it at first, of course, but gradually it became very obvious, and she admitted, that she must have slipped out some detail. (And personally, I don't believe for a second this "accidental slipping out" business --- she's a show-off and a big talker, and I suspect she couldn't wait to proclaim it. MA knew the incident and the night for certain; she wasn't assuming or inferring anything. She flat-out knew. Someone told her. I didn't, so that leaves one person.)

The Maddening Angel and I have never had a romantic relationship, but we have, in the past, had a very deep emotional one. Sleeping together on the same bed, comforting each other at a vulnerable time in both our lives --- we formed a bond, and I understand that it's a complex one. I just wish we could be together. She's not attracted to me, so I must either be her friend or not be with her at all. She said she was ready to quit work just to avoid me at this point. And all this is hurting Spooky's feelings, making her feel like she's a pawn or weapon in some twisted game of jealousy and sexual tension. Oh, what is all this adolescent hand-wringing? Why can't I be sane and content?


Tonight's class, Reading I, was about the next step after phonemic awareness in the reading skills continuum: the alphabetic principle. Methods of teaching the naming and sounds of letters include word wall, picture and letter matching games, word and letter matching, etc. Since this is more or less what I have done for a living for the past 4+ years, I was less than enthralled.

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