Koans

The master of Kennin temple was an old and respected monk. At the temple lived a young protege studying under some of the more experienced monks. The protege saw the older disciples visit the master's room three times a day to receive instruction in sanzen or personal guidance in which they were given koans to stop mind-wandering.

The protege wished to do sanzen also. The old master shook his head, saying he should wait, as he was too young and unschooled.

But the young man insisted, so the master finally consented.

That very evening the young man went at the proper time to the threshold of the master's sanzen room. He struck the gong to announce his presence, bowed respectfully three times outside the door, and went to sit before the master in respectful silence.

The master gave the young monk his koan. "You can hear the sound of two hands when they clap together," said the old master. "Now show me the sound of one hand."

So the protege struck the master hard across the face with his open palm, making a satisfying "smack" sound.

His cheek stinging and his ears ringing, the old master stammered, "That's not really what I---"

"Fuck off," said the protege.

***

Two monks were walking the long road from Kennin temple to the nearest town. Around a bend, they came upon a rich woman standing still in the middle of the road. The rich woman had reached a particularly muddy patch, and was hesitating, unwilling to dirty the hem of her expensive silken garments.

Without a word, the first monk took up the woman in his arms and sloshed across the patch of mud. He put her down on the other side, again without a word, the two monks continued their journey. They walked on in silence, but the younger monk strained with impatience at every step. Finally, he could no longer contain himself.

"Why did you carry that rich woman across the patch of mud? We should not be involved with worldly affairs, or women at all! That was not an act befitting a monk!"

The first monk replied, “I put that woman down hours ago. Are you still carrying her?"

The younger monk realized what his friend meant, and was ashamed.

"Also," said the first monk, "I slid my hand up her cooch."

***

Sozuken, a master at Kennin temple, was asked by a student: "What is the most valuable thing in the world?"

The master replied: "The head of a dead cat."

"Why is the head of a dead cat the most valuable thing in the world?" inquired the student.

Sozuken replied: "Because no one can name its price."

So the monks had Sozuken committed at a nearby psychiatric care center.